The Dead Seeker Sketch
by Angel Swen
Summary: Sirius and Remus screw up the classic Monty Python sketch about a dead parrot. Slashy and silly.


Disclaimer: The boys belong to J.K.Rowling, the sketch belongs to Monty Python. The writer claims no responsibility for brain damage caused by this stupidity. But if you actually get the references you're probably a Python fan and it's already too late... Oh, it's slashy too.  
  
(Scene is in a pet shop. Behind counter Remus stands, Sirius enters, dragging along James's body.)  
Sirius: Hello! I wish to register a complaint! Hello miss?  
Remus: *checking script* What do you mean, miss?  
Sirius: Sorry, I have a cold. *confused* Erm... wasn't Snape supposed to be in this sketch?  
Remus: Yeah, but Lucius found out how it ended and dragged him off.   
Sirius: How it ended? *reads over script* E's dead, no e's resting... yadda yadda yadda, pining for the fields... blah blah blah etc... oh, here we go. "Would you like to go back to my place?" "Thought you'd never ask." Oh.  
Remus: See? So I decided to stand in for him, I'm tired of him trying to steal my boyfriend.  
Sirius: *sighs* It's just a sketch you know.  
Remus: How long is this anyway?  
Sirius: What?  
Remus: How long is the sketch, because we could just jump to the end...  
Sirius: No. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, I wish to register a complaint about this Seeker I purchased from this shop not a half hour ago.  
Remus: What? James? You bought James? Am I running a kinky whore house here or something?  
Sirius: *blink* No! NO! Just go with the script. *hits himself on side of head* Out, bad mental images, out out out.  
Remus: Er, right. *checks script* What's the matter with him?  
Sirius: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, e's dead.  
Remus: He is? I can't tell when he's there on the floor.  
Sirius: Fine then. *heaves James's body up unto counter* I'll just bang him right here...  
Remus: You'll WHAT??  
Sirius: *blink* What? Oh! No! Not that! I just meant that I was going to put him on the counter here...  
Remus: No! You said you were going to "bang" him! I knew you were cheating on me!  
Sirius: No! I'm not! Stop being paranoid!  
Remus: I'm not paranoid! And if I am I have good reason, what with my boyfriend sleeping with every pretty thing on two legs...  
Sirius: I'm not! I'm not!   
Remus: *death glare*  
*pause*  
Sirius: Can we just get on with the sketch now?  
Remus: Fine. Where were we? Oh yeah... No, e's resting.  
Sirius: No, I know a dead seeker when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.  
Remus: No, no. E's resting. Remarkable seeker, isn't he, James? Beautiful... erm... plumage? That can't be right. Oh, here we go, lovely shag mate.   
Sirius: What?  
Remus: That's what the rewritten script says. *shrugs*  
Sirius: Right... Whether, that's true or not, it has nothing to do with it. He's stone cold dead.  
Remus: No no no no no. E's resting.  
Sirius: If e's resting, then I'll wake him up. Hello James! Wakey wakey! I have a lovely bunch of blackmail pictures of Slytherins for you! Wake up!   
Remus: *prods James* There, he moved.  
Sirius: No he didn't! You just hit him!  
Remus: No I didn't!  
Sirius: Yes you did! Hello James! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! WAKEY WAKEY! *smacks James's face* HELLO JAMES! See, that's what I call a dead seeker.  
Remus: No, e's stunned.  
Sirius: e's STUNNED?  
Remus: Yes, you stunned him, just as he was waking up. James stuns easily, you know. Remember the time he walk in on us...  
Sirius: No, no, now see here. This seeker is definitely deceased, and when I purchased him from this shop not a half hour ago, you assured me that his total lake of movement was due to him being tired a shagged out following a prolonged Quidditch practice.  
Remus: Well, well... e's probably pinning for the fields.  
Sirius: PINNING FOR THE FIELDS? What kind of talk is that?  
Remus: I wouldn't know, you're the one who wants to bang him...  
Sirius: No I don't! Well then, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home? And don't even think it!  
Remus: James prefers resting on his back, you know. Wonderful seeker, lovely shag mate.  
Sirius: I wouldn't know. I took the liberty of examining him (shut up!) and I discovered the only reason he had been sitting up in the first place is that he had been propped up with a broom.  
Remus: Oh course he was propped up with a broom! If he hadn't he would have fallen right over in his sleep, knocked his head, waken up, and VROOM!  
Sirius: Vroom? This seeker wouldn't go "VROOM" if you put four-million volts through him! He's bleedin demised!  
Remus: No, e's pinning.  
Sirius: *increasingly desperate with each statement* E's not pinning! E's passed on! This seeker is no more! E's ceased to be! E's expired and gone to meet his maker! E's a stiff! Devoid of life may he rest in peace! If you hadn't propped him up with that broom he would of been pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! E's bought the farm! E's kicked the bucket! E's shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain, and gone off to join the bleedin choir invisible! This is an ex-seeker!  
*pause*  
Remus: Well, I'd better replace him then.   
*checks in back*  
Remus: Sorry Sirius, I've checked around the back of the shop and we're fresh out of seekers.  
Sirius: I see, I see. I get the picture.  
Remus: I'm still here.  
Sirius: So you'll over the whole paranoia thing?  
Remus: No, but I'm sure you could make it up for me. *nudge, nudge* *wink, wink*  
Sirius: So you want to go back to my place?  
Remus: I thought that was my line.  
Sirius: *checks script* By golly, it was...   
*Remus tackles him*  
Remus: Or right here's nice.  
Sirius: I agree.  
*they make out*  
James: *just waking up* Huh? How did I get here? What's going on? *looks around*  
Sirius: I guess he really was just resting.  
Remus: See, I'm always right. *goes back to kissing*  
James: Geez, get a room. *leaves* 


End file.
